If there’s anything I love more than my brand new husband…mmm, nope, there isn’t. Let’s say if there’s anything I love more than… buttered saltines, that’s pretty far up there.
Okay, if there’s anything I love more than buttered saltines, it’s awesome banners. I love the banner-worthy event that had to occur in order to necessitate a banner. I love how it takes two or more people to hang them (that’s cooperation!). I love the way that, in movies and television shows, half of the banner will fall down right after a character ruins a surprise party.
I have some really good excuses for not posting to this blog, mkay. Here’s some things I did:
1. Got married. To a looker.
You’ve been to the zoo, the farmer’s market, the fireworks, and the water park. You tried to start a fun summer school thing, but it never really took off after the nature walk lesson you planned where it took you a half hour just to get everyone sunscreened and bug-sprayed and the neighbor kid complained the whole time and no one could find the right shape of leaf to trace and you ended up getting them ice cream in the hopes that they would become lethargic enough to pass out on the sun-porch while you dabbed calomine lotion on your mosquito bites and cried to yourself.
If the only activity you’ve got left up your sleeve is crossing off the calendar days until school starts again, if you started empathizing with Betty Draper when you watch Mad Men on Netflix Watch Instantly, if you’ve found yourself yelling, “Godblessit, can I just finish my damn wine cooler?”, then you are officially sick of your kids.
Having a barn wedding, like I am, can be very posh indeed: sparkling lights, fancy dresses, wine and cheese, dancing in the moonlight. But the truth is, people are gonna to have to go. You know…gooo. And although, with the crowd we’re inviting, the nearby cornfields would suffice, we made the call to get swanky and rent some port-a-johns. No expense is too great for our guests.
Patti from Chicago writes:
Q: I’ve been meaning to ask you this.. what can I do with old perfume bottles? This one is little but I just know there’s something cool I could do with it. I can’t bring myself to throw it away.
Kind of Smelly in Chicago,
A: Oh Patti, from nostalgic t-shirts to that part of the Kleenex I didn’t get any snot on, I’ve so often uttered the phrase “I can’t bring myself to throw it away.” Especially when it comes to things I’m convinced could have a brilliant “second act”. Just ask my collection of other people’s driveway rocks, or unpaired earrings, or gently used sandwich bags.
If you’ve noticed that the only food group in your diet lately has been Free Pasta Salads, don’t worry. It’s not a covert conspiracy between macaroni salesmen and Midwestern moms to take over the world. Alright, it is, but it’s also graduation party season. And in your mayonnaise dressing haze, you may have forgot that in exchange for the free food, you need to bring a gift for the recent graduate (if you’ve crashed the party and are having trouble picking the grad out of a crowd, look for the one giving off the ‘frightened and aimless’ vibe, usually characterized by nervous laughter and a constant darting of the eyes).
Although you are probably broke and your biggest gift to them is a human representation of life choices they should avoid, you should still put some thought into a present for them. As always, I’m here to bail your ass out. Here are some ideas:
I don’t remember thinking about my wedding day when I was a little girl, but if I did, I was definitely imagining the party that little a-hole throws and invites everyone except Hooper Humperdink to in the children’s book Hooper Humperdink…? Not Him! by Dr. Seuss. That party was awesome. He ordered 10 tons of ice cream and had eskimos deliver it. Off the hizzook.
That kid probably sky-wrote his invitation from a plane. We didn’t quiiiiite get to that level, but we did make ’em ourselves so I thought I would show them off.
Picnic-ing is one of my favorite things and an event I think everyone should have on their spring and summer to-do list. Whether it’s a romantic plan with your lovah, an impromptu lunch break with your girlfriends, or you just made sandwiches for your messy kids and don’t want them to spill mustard on the carpet, a picnic is a great idea. It’s getting outside, it’s putting down your iPhone, it’s enjoying food without any distractions so you actually taste the food. It’s a picking blades of grass, having someone braid your hair, staring at the sky, deep conversation kind of time. And you should do it. You should go have a picnic right now.
Barb and I decided to start a book club with the thrifted books I come across. She’s mostly just a figurehead because she’s got so many other hobbies going on right now. Plus she’s illiterate.
I found this vintage pill case at a yard sale a few years ago. I love the flowered pattern on the front of the case and the trippy circles on the back:
It reminds me of something one of Don Draper’s girlfriends might carry around in her clutch. Of course it would probably be filled with some sort of barbiturate to be taken at martini o’clock whilst lounging on a fainting couch, but it’s still classy looking. Sort of.