Poop in a Group: Classin’ Up the Port-a-Johns

6 Jul

Having a barn wedding, like  I am, can be very posh indeed: sparkling lights, fancy dresses, wine and cheese, dancing in the moonlight. But the truth is, people are gonna to have to go. You know…gooo. And although, with the crowd we’re inviting, the nearby cornfields would suffice, we made the call to get swanky and rent some port-a-johns. No expense is too great for our guests.

Now, the port-a-john, by itself, is a fine specimen, with all the grace and elegance you could ever ask of a shitter. But for my very special wedding, I wanted to up the razzle-dazzle another notch. Thus, I present to you, fancy bathroom signs.

With two potties, I could go two ways: a Ladies john and a Gentlemen john or a john for Number 1 and a john for Number 2. But for the sake of humility, I divided the crappers among the sexes. I first traced two circles onto an old cereal box using a bowl for the shape. I cut out white cardstock circles leftover from the invites and glue-sticked them onto the cardboard. These would be the signs. Then I grabbed some of my collage paper and drew (all by myself!) some typical bathroom sign people, but dressed up for a wedding. Here’s how my lady looked. I’m particulary proud of her head, as all ladies should be proud of their heads. I also kind wish I had a dress that looked exactly like that:

For the gentleman, I pretty much just made the same old bathroom guy and added a bow tie. Here’s the classy couple together. Might as well be Gatsby and Daisy, dontcha think?:

Once I glue-sticked Mr. and Mrs. Commode onto their respective signs (using a super-strength gluestick, who knows all the pee-water and worse that’s coming their way), I jumped on the Interweb and found a posh font with which to write Ladies and Gentlemen. I used dafont.com, which is a great website because you can type in the words you need and see what they’ll look like in different fonts. This is quite useful for people like me who were blessed with the skill of freehand copying other people’s art. Once I found the lettering I liked (called Channel), I was able to copy it (all by myself! no tracing!) in pencil onto the circle signs:

After that, I carefully filled in my lettering with a fine-tipped Sharpie:

Swank-kay. All I have to do know is hang some string on them and attach them to the fronts of their new homes. They’re so glamourous, our guests aren’t going to know whether to go inside to relieve themselves or to pour themselves a highball and karaoke to some Old Blue Eyes (yes, karaoke is involved in my idea of classy). Beats a “sprinkle when you tinkle” poem for SURE.

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