Last Minute…and I mean real last minute… Halloween Costume Ideas

30 Oct

This Halloween I am going as a procrastinator- who planned to but did not write a brilliant post about Halloween costumes including color photos and a 3-paragraph rant on how kids these days (and by kids I mean adults) aren’t creative enough about making their own costumes and “Down with Halloweeen USA and sexy cops!” and bla bla bla.

I was going to add a hilarious picture of my brother dressed as Indiana Jones when he was a child, a look on his face like he’s going to lash whoever is behind the camera with his homemade whip, and me standing next to him in a full cat-bodysuit looking like, well, looking like a five-year-old stuck in a cat suit trying not to touch her face lest she rub off her painted whiskers. Or post the picture of my niece when she was a five-year-old stuck in a butterfly costume, bawling because we put pipe cleaners in her braids so they would stick up like antennas. Or tell you about how my mother would dress up as a pregnant woman every year…and how my dad always almost believed her when she greeted him in her pillow-stuffed house robe and curlers. Every time, to my memory, he laughed and then said, “This is a costume right?”

I was going to do all that and give great advice on Halloween costumes. But this Halloween, I’m going as a procrastinator, so I didn’t. What I am going to do is leave you with a half-ass list of Halloween costume ideas the day before Halloween. And a list of a few dos and don’ts for Halloween night. And a Ryan Gosling video. For kicks.

Last Minute Costume Ideas of Halloweens Past:

Dust Bunny:

Dress in gray. Make felt bunny ears and attach them to a headband (glue straws or chopsticks on the back to make them stick up). Paint your nose with pink lipstick. Then grab some dryer lint, some spare change and some odd socks and safety pin them to yourself. Last year, a sewed myself a little sock tie and literally attached whatever was lying under my bed to my costume. And to this day when I run into people that I met last Halloween, they say, “Oh! The dust bunny!”.

Parking Meter:

Dress in skinny jeans and a sweatshirt with a pocket. Draw a meter on your forehead with eyeliner or the flashing “Times Up Sucker” sign with red lipstick. Ask people who are blocking the keg (“double parked”) to pay up. Steer clear of this costume if you’re going any place with creepy men who are going to make inappropriate jokes about feeding you change. Unfortunately, on all Hallows Eve, finding a place without creepy men is going to be your real problem.

-Ninja:

Dress all in black. Wrap your head in black strips of fabric. Make nunchucks out of toilet paper rolls painted in silver. Attach a posterboard talking bubble to your head that has some sort of kick-ass ninja phrase written on it. Sneak up on people all night and bust out singing “Kung Fu Fighting” when they least expect it. Be stealth.

Bad Yearbook Photo:

Dress in ill-fitted and out- of- date clothing. Make a cardboard picture frame to fit around your head, preferably with a sheet that has airbrushed graphics attached to it. Stick your head through that homemade frame. Make awkward faces all night long. Make out with someone you’ll regret even speaking to later.

Muppet:

I have no idea how to go about dressing as any one of the Muppets. But I desperately want to see it happen.

Hot Mess:

Kind of a cop-out costume but it can go so many ways. You could dress sloppy and make fake pit stains (literally hot) or go as Lindsey Lohan (not so literally hot). Keep in mind you will have to keep explaining it to people all night.

Halloween Night Dos and Don’ts

Do:

Stay in character. You can pull off a kind of lame costume if you do it with gusto. If you’re a biker chick, pick a fight. Andre the Giant? Offer people peanuts all night (Princess Bride joke).

-Listen to “The Monster Mash” at least once even though you kind of hate it.

Don’t:

-Don’t be the guy that doesn’t dress up and then says he’s going as The Sexiest Man Alive or something lame like that. No one likes a party pooper but they hate your sarcasm even more. Get a costume or admit that you were too lazy to get a costume.

-Don’t assume you know someone’s costume or that they’re even in a costume. Don’t assume someone went through the effort of buying and attaching a prosthetic deformed hand if it’s dark and it looks really realistic. That could be an actual deformed hand. No reason two of us need to make that mistake.

And now… Ryan Gosling…

How can a man who always looks like he’s just about to sneeze be so very endearing? Spooky….

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One Response to “Last Minute…and I mean real last minute… Halloween Costume Ideas”

  1. Débuter en Bourse March 1, 2014 at 3:39 am #

    J en veux plus !!! de mon cote je vous place dans mes favoris, et vous dit a bientot.

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